Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
