Do you still have your period?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
