Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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