I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
