We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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