I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
and you fell through a lawn chair
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize