me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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