I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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