I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
