it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
