I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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