Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
