you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
