Life is so much better after having sex.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
