I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
