if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
this just has baby written all over it
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
