it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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