I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
