Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
