Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
