According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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