dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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