dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
