I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
