I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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