i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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