if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
