Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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