My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize