before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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