remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
