I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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