ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If I had your ass I would rule the world
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
