Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My butt remains clenched, sir.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
