My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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