how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
