Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
