just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
