"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
