Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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