a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
