Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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