Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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