There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
