I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
