woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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