in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I supernannyed him into submission
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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