she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I looked at my own cervix.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
