the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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