Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
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