so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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