i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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