I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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