Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
