I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I want to fling myself into the sun
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
